place called home

I remember back in high school my teacher used to identify the word home with family. She said it’s a place where in you feel secure, you’ll find serenity and love. I grew up with those inculcated on my mind.

How come I cannot feel any of these right now? I wanna play make believe to myself, but I cant hide how disappointed and hurt I am right now. I thought am done crying na. How come there’s still tears, and even more than I expected. How come I cannot find comfort anywhere in this same walls that ive grown up with?
The moment I entered the house, I felt strange, I can sense a bad news coming my way. True indeed, I haven’t even reached my room to put down my bags, my mom started making sumbong na about my dad. I don’t know how to react on everything she’s telling me. Am not even sure what she wants me to do. She started crying in the middle of her story, I didn’t cry, not because hindi ako naiyak sa sinabi nya, I didn’t cry because I don’t want her to see me cry. The last time my mom saw me cry was three years ago, during my career argument with my dad, and I swore to myself that that would be the last time. So I kept my composure, I was watching tv while she’s making sumbong, but I didn’t made her feel am not paying attention.

Finally when I was alone, I started recalling every word that she told me, then I started crying (again). I was sobbing so loud that I had to go to the bathroom and hide, I hid there for only God knows how long. I shed every tears that I got. I sob till I got tired, stopped for a while and start again everytime I start uttering a word.
How come the pain never go away?
How come the hurt gets deeper and deeper everytime?
How come I cant feel that serenity that my high school teacher taught me? why’s my dad doing this to us? Why’s my sister making my life miserable? Why’s my mom so insensitive, she never even bother to ask me how am I doing in school?
(Not to sound selfish, but since I started with my review, nobody ever… as in ever asked me how am I doing in the review. Its almost a month now, the pressure is neck deep now and the fact that am in this alone is killing me.)
Why cant I even finish typing this damn thing without crying over each and every sentence that I write? My eyes are so swollen I can hardly see and my heart is so devastated that for the first time in my life I seriously thought about suicide. I have a whole bottle of muriatic acid beside me inside the bathroom. Its true pala what they say about near death situations, your whole life will flash right in your head. When all of a sudden I remember one conversation I had with a friend who was in the same situation as mine (the only difference was she planned to shoot herself). I remember her words…
“ how come when you were a teenager you feel like buong mundo problema mo”…
“now when am thinking about my suicide attempts, natatawa na lang ako”…

I cant truly recall why our conversation went that way, but that recall gave me a different feel. Whatever I have in my mind, I know its not good and its not the way out, I call myself a Christian pero what am I thinking! It brought me back to reality, problems are faced, hindi tinatakbuhan.
Then I thought to myself, sana someday I’ll just laugh at this. Sana someday, it’ll be my turn din to tell a friend about my suicide attempt, and I might end with the same statement as her …
“natatawa na lang ako!!”

but for now I cant laugh, I feel anesthetized. My whole body feels numb. I don’t know if iiyak pa ako tomorrow (baka nga mamaya lang iiyak nanaman ako). I don’t know kung maguusap naba parents ko tomorrow. I don’t know kung magiisip-isip naba kapatid ko at magbabago na. I don’t know! but one thing I know… had I not heard her story, I would be lifeless by now.