heart of a friend

Thing’s are not gonna be better. But you have to face it. No matter how bitter and hard life is, you just have to face it. I cant tell you it’ll be ok, but I can tell you that no matter what the future holds, I believe that you’ll make it.
Those words. Those are the words that kept me alive tonight, and probably for the next few days as well. Last night I was so determined to end it all. I wanted to die an awful death just to make my parents realize how hard it has been for me to cope with the changes. But one person made me live. One person gave me a reason to live. One person asked one last chance from me to help me realize life. One person, who never gave up on me. Maila! Her text from last night kept on ringing in my head,
“the choice is still up to you, but before you do anything, you have to give me a chance to convince you otherwise. Please give me a chance.”
I really didn’t want to go, coz am not sure if I wanna talk. If I do, what am I supposed to say, I’ll just cry like a baby there for sure. But I did anyway, coz at the back of my mind, I want tell someone. I wanna tell someone about my burden, hurt and anger. Am not expecting something in return, like an advice or answer. I just want someone to listen. I just want to have the assurance that someone’s still listening to me. Somebody care.
I told her everything. From the revelations in the family since last year, my issues with my sister, concerns about my little sister, anger towards my parents, struggle with my studies up to the accident last Monday, yes, I had an accident last Monday at SLEX. My back’s bruised and my right internals hurting up to now. I told her everything. How depressed I was that night that nobody in my family even bothered to ask how am I doing after that, I texted everybody in the family while I was In the hospital, but nobody seemed to care. That at that very moment, I could die without anybody knowing about it. I was alone in the hospital wing, my doctor told me everything’s fine with the x-ray, but I cant object that’s there’s something wrong, coz I was alone.
then finally, the next day my mom texted me…
“ano nanaman kailangan mo?”
that’s not only one but two slap in both faces. I cant explain how hurt I was reading through her message over and over again. that moment, I wanted to die, I want end it all para lang wala na silang iisiping nangangailangan sa kanila. I had financial issues/argument with my mom the last time I saw her, and I don’t want that to happen again that’s why am not pushing the money issue too much, kahit na I should, kasi responsibility pa rin naman nila ako eh. Pero hindi na. Coz ayoko na, I just shut my mouth, like I always do. Pero this time, well-being ko na at satke and she think am asking for money.
When I told maila about this, I have to admit I was a bit shocked by her reactions(maybe i was expecting for sympathy). She kept a straight face and allowed me to finish before she confer her side. Then I heard the most awful truth…
“things are not gonna be better chellix, but you need all of these. You need these hurt and anger. You have to take your mind away from yourself and focus on others”
Those aren’t exactly what I wanted to hear thank you very much. But I realized, she’s right. Things will definitely be far from getting better, as a matter of fact, I have to prepare myself for the worse that’ll come. How am I suppose to get to the next level if I cant stop crying now. But that was too easy to say, hard as hell to do. My mind was numb again. part of me wants to fix things but greater part of me is asking how? I don’t even know where to start, diba dapat I should be thinking about myself naman. How come she’s telling me to take my mind out of myself. Ang labo!!
Listening to her gave me lucid view of what’s she’s trying to tell me. Mahirap for sure. Pero lalong mahirap in the future.
Of course my life was not drastically changed overnight. Coveting death will always be an option. May not be now, may be tomorrow, the next day or the next week. But tonight, maila gave me a reason to smile, gave me a reason to long for tomorrow. see the sun rise.
Am not saying am better. Maybe my mind was just opened into greater perspective. I still need to seek the inner healing though before I come out of the shell. It surely has been one heck of a deep wound inside.