When you say you cant forgive…

What do we do with hurts? Do you get hurt? Maybe we are in denial sometimes that we say we're not hurt. We try to hide it but deep inside it's there...and sometimes we try to just keep it ourselves that when it's pruned, we just explode. But there's no delete key either!

If somebody hurts us, whether they knew about it or not, we can't undo it, nor they can. But they can say sorry or apologize about it yet it doesn't really take away what you felt before right? Today an old friend came to me and ask if we can talk. He’s said sorry for whatever issue we had in the past, he said that he’s leaving soon and would want to leave with no strings attached. I was pretending to be very busy while he’s talking, he probably noticed that I have no interest in listening so he just said “I just want to rest my case” and then he left. The nerve! I’m so mad! After that less than 2 minutes (conversation, if you call it that) I’ve been like this, very upset and bothered. I cant explain how I feel. I wanted to throw my tumbler at him and yell at him, but I don’t want to call attention. I wanted to slap him, but I know I can do better than that. So I did what I had to do. I shut up! I never imagined myself hating someone as much as I hate that person. I have so much bitterness in my heart about this person that I cant even stand being in the same room with him. We used to be friends. Even if we don’t belong to the same team anymore, we kept in touch. Then something happened. Hate is really a strong word but that’s how I describe my feelings for him for the past 6-7 months.
Listening to him talk even if he knows I’m not paying attention is really something. Actually just him having the courage to approach me knowing how much I hate him made him the better person here. Maybe that’s why I’m upset. Because he said sorry and I cant forgive (or maybe I’m just not yet ready to forgive)

Reading Chie’s blog, it make sense to me what God's forgiveness is...what it truly mean. I'm not going to share any further, but I notice that as I try my "best" to forgive, the more I struggle.

GOD gives us the Gift of Forgiveness.

It's a gift, just like my salvation? I guess that's why I'm struggling hard, it's because instead of accepting that gift of forgiveness, I am trying my "best" to forgive.

Here are the main points I have written down if I say "I can't forgive".

I. Forgiveness - does not mean that we will go back to the way things are. (Colosians 3:13) It is different than reunion or reconciliation.

II. Forgiveness – doesn’t not mean we deny justice or consequences. (2 Samuel 12:13) We are told in Colosians 3:13 to forgive as the Lord forgave us. If we sin, you can be forgiven but there's consequences. Consequences are different than getting even or demanding justice.

III. Forgiveness - does not mean we deny what happened. It doesn't mean we pretend we didn't get hurt.

IV. Forgiveness - is not merely your Christian Duty. Forgiveness is more than a Christian duty.

V. Forgiveness - is not merely a gift to give to others. Release to God your bitterness by praying that God will forgive them and release blessings in their lives.

VI. Forgiveness - does not demand that they say first "SORRY". (Luke 19:5-10) How does God forgive?

VII. Forgiveness - is not a one time act; it's a journey. By the Holy Spirit, you can forgive.

I remember Pastor Lester’s story of forgiveness. There are 2 friends, A and B. B told people stories, true or not, about A. then A found out. A talked to B about it. B said sorry, she said that she only did that to get people to talk to her. B cried and asked for forgiveness from A. A took B to a nearby bridge and carried with her a bag full of feathers. A tossed the feathers in the air, feathers were all over the place, then A told B; “you see those feathers? Those are the rumor you tell people about me, they’re everywhere now. If you want me to forgive you, you have to gather all those feathers and put them in the bag. Can’t do it? the same way you can’t go back to all those people and tell them the rumors are not true”

I realized more in my life that forgiveness is my way of life. Somebody pulls over in front of you, we get upset, but we can forgive also and release blessings to that person.