this is it

whaaa...july 1 na bukas...sakit sa ulo...super pressured na ako...
naiinis ako kasi laging umuulan sa afternoon,kaya tuloy di matapos tapos ang cough and colds ng lola nyo...hehehe
Review center update:its funny coz nakuha pa naming humanap ng humor despite the pressure ng review...they call me Junior sa review center kasi may isang lecturer dun na super galing ko daw gayahin...funny coz she's happens to be one of my favorite lecturer...and i swear i can imitate her every move...hehehehe
was tired of reviewing last night and i thought of putting our pcitures from last week all together (pinagpipilitan ko talagang may artistic side ako,maybe its just somewhere deep inside of me...hehehe)
well,heto kinalabasan nya...

there's bigger version here
so yun lang...am tired of thinking na

placebo

its been three days now and am still sick...whaaa!!!yoko ng ganitong feeling,i cant study well...
well anyways,dami kong lag na lectures and blog post (hahaha,of course , i make it a point that i still update my blog kahit sa PC ko na lang,but most of the time di ko na napopost coz wala na talagang time mag-net)
things are well naman,except for my health which would be the least of my worry dapat.kakainis kasi wala akong maamoy.when i left the house kanina everybody's complaining sa perfume ko,super dami ko daw maglagay.sabi ko i cant even smell myself,then i realize i have cold nga pala.kainis talaga
my review?so far nasa stage na ko na nangangarag na ako.placebo na lang talaga na nakakapagsuklay pa ako.hahaha!sabi nga nung isang coordinator dun eh..."the first time i lectured in this class,you all looked fresh,ngayon mukha kayong mga zoombie!hahaha"
i think thats a good sign,meaning lahat serious sa pag-aaral.hay!!!
kahit minsan inside the classroom,persistent vegetative state kami dahil sa puyat.hahaha!!!at least sumasagot.
yoko na!!!after the review...lahat talaga ng luho gagawin ko...

happy anniversary

its my mom and dad's 23rd Anniversary. well, supposed to be. am just not sure if they text each other. hala,malay ko sa kanila. i texted both of them naman
bat kaya ganun ang mga kamagulangan na yan noh. ang gugulo ng mga utak,kala naman nila sila yung affected. hay naku!!! imagine after 23 years ngayon pa nila naisipan yang mga ganyang bagay, i remember one time my sis, dad and me are in one room, we were messing around when i asked my dad when he's coming back, he told me... 2005 kasi debut ni maan
2006 di ko pa alam kasi gusto kong magipon para sa...
2007 silver anniversary namin ni mama mo
and now, look at them. haayy!!! am tired of thinking about them na. seriously.. bahala na sila. abutin man sila ng silver or what. this is their last picture together, and it breaks my heart looking at it

You complete me vs. Make me Whole

This may seem a little late, but better late than sorry… hehehe
I’ll talk about my weekend. Saturday, I spent the whole day, well most of it, transferring my things from Las Pinas to my new “kuta” somewhere in espana. Imagine all five big bags, and I moved all alone. hay!!
Late afternoon, I decided to give in to ate lulu’s invitation. Her officemate’s band, they’ll be playing at Blue Finn, since am so worn out, I decided to chill a bit. The band’s cool I guess I find them cool coz they play my type of music. We finished at around 230am so I stayed at ate lulu’s place. The next day I have to meet up with an old friend of mine, whom I haven’t seen in 5 years, Bam. She’s in town so we decided to meet up. Am so excited to see her again, she’s one of my friends kasi whom I can talk to about anything, not to mention she knows me very well since we practically grew up together. We even played tambourine in church long, long time ago (yes, I did play the tambourine, or should I say danced)… well anyways, so I met up with her. We had brunch in Ortigas. She seemed excited to see me din naman, but when she started asking me bout my spiritual life, I stutter, then she knew na, something’s wrong. Man, I hate the fact that she knows me well. I told her everything, even my last attempt to end it all. then she told me something na nakapagpa-shock sa akin, I thought my stories would shock her, turns out mas shoking pa story nya. She went home sa Philippines coz she’s enrolling at Bible School. Hu-wat!?! I mean, I knew Bam since we were 10, but never in our life that we imagined her to be a Pastor. I know she grew up in a Christian environment, her dad’s a well known Pastor, both brother’s church musician, mom’s a song leader and she used to sing at church din. Then she explained to me the hardship that she had to undergo before she finally heard God’s voice calling her to ministry. How she became deaf to God’s voice because she’s to soaked with her problems. She didn’t knew na that was God’s way of calling her na. That made me think, maybe am like Bam, am meant for something BIG in the future. I may have shortcomings and struggles today, but I still have to look forward to a tomorrow.
So Bam left for Cebu (Immanuel Bible School) that day. I thought it’s still early so I decided to walk muna sa mall, then at some point, while walking, parang a sudden rush of loneliness came upon me. I suddenly felt so lonely, I thought I just wanna be surrounded with people so I went sa food court, but bad decision, lalo akong nalungkot. I hate this feeling. So I texted some of my friends, lalah and Yvette. Lah told me she’s attending VCF the fort but she’ll go to greenbelt first so I asked her if she could meet me there, the plan was clear. Later she texted me, meet na lang daw kami sa the Fort. Huh?! What the?!! I never reply na.
I texted ate lulu and teejae. Teejae called after few minutes but my phone turned off, just right!!! I looked for a cell shop then charged my phone. Was waiting for another text from them but wala na. I decided to go home coz naiiyak na ko and I don’t wanna look stupid naman crying by myself. I rode the MRT, not sure where to go, halfway through the stations, I got a text from ate lulu asking me if I wanna go to church, maybe that’s what I really need nga, God’s word and people surrounding me. I said yes, I asked her kung ok lang na we’d go to VCF, she said yes naman. I also invited teejae and jayzle. I stopped by Quezon Ave., I cant stop crying na, I really feel so lonely, parang ang lungkot lungkot ko. I went to mc donalds café. When I saw the girl at the counter she was so red, looked like she just cried, but I ignored her, hey am crying too. After ordering, I went outside, I was wearing shades coz am still crying but when the girl gave me my coffee, she asked me… “Ma’m are you crying? Then she offered me tissue.”
Am not sure what to say, so I just nod. She left immediately. After few minutes, teejae asked me if I wanna hang out muna sa house nila while she’s getting ready for church. So I went to their house. when I reached their house, di ko na napigil sarili ko, I sobbed in her pillows na, good thing she’s typing her blog so she didn’t noticed, or she did but she just ignored, good thing, hehehe!! I sat on the floor, my back’s on the left side of the bed and she’s on the other side. She’s talking but am crying, am still answering naman everytime she’ll ask something.
On our way to Galeria, she told me about her prayer earlier that day. I had long talk with her. Learned a lot about her and most especially inspired by her. When we reached Galeria, I thought she knew na that were going to a Born Again Service, coz she’s a bit surprised when I told her. So teejae, ate lulu and me went to VCF service. Although we have bad pwesto, coz the service’s full na, I still got the message. It was as if the Pastor’s talking particularly to me. It hit me!!! God is so intelligent talaga.
After the service, jayzle and cell followed us and we had dinner together. Wow!!! I realized its been a while since nakumpleto kaming lime, although technically di talaga kami kumpleto, kasi wala si little boy (renan) at si ano… wag na!!! Hehehe
So yun, t’was fun. Actually for a while I forgot about everything that’s going on in my life. That moment/hours all I thought about was them, yung mga stories that we’ll share at kung ano ano pa. Basta dun lang muna iikot mundo ko, that moment lang. Till I got a text from my mom, asking me to go home. I told them about it, honestly I don’t want to go home, but they urged me to. So I did.
Well what happened after I went home? Next post na, ang haba na nito eh.
pahabol lang...this is my friend Bam...la lang

heart of a friend

Thing’s are not gonna be better. But you have to face it. No matter how bitter and hard life is, you just have to face it. I cant tell you it’ll be ok, but I can tell you that no matter what the future holds, I believe that you’ll make it.
Those words. Those are the words that kept me alive tonight, and probably for the next few days as well. Last night I was so determined to end it all. I wanted to die an awful death just to make my parents realize how hard it has been for me to cope with the changes. But one person made me live. One person gave me a reason to live. One person asked one last chance from me to help me realize life. One person, who never gave up on me. Maila! Her text from last night kept on ringing in my head,
“the choice is still up to you, but before you do anything, you have to give me a chance to convince you otherwise. Please give me a chance.”
I really didn’t want to go, coz am not sure if I wanna talk. If I do, what am I supposed to say, I’ll just cry like a baby there for sure. But I did anyway, coz at the back of my mind, I want tell someone. I wanna tell someone about my burden, hurt and anger. Am not expecting something in return, like an advice or answer. I just want someone to listen. I just want to have the assurance that someone’s still listening to me. Somebody care.
I told her everything. From the revelations in the family since last year, my issues with my sister, concerns about my little sister, anger towards my parents, struggle with my studies up to the accident last Monday, yes, I had an accident last Monday at SLEX. My back’s bruised and my right internals hurting up to now. I told her everything. How depressed I was that night that nobody in my family even bothered to ask how am I doing after that, I texted everybody in the family while I was In the hospital, but nobody seemed to care. That at that very moment, I could die without anybody knowing about it. I was alone in the hospital wing, my doctor told me everything’s fine with the x-ray, but I cant object that’s there’s something wrong, coz I was alone.
then finally, the next day my mom texted me…
“ano nanaman kailangan mo?”
that’s not only one but two slap in both faces. I cant explain how hurt I was reading through her message over and over again. that moment, I wanted to die, I want end it all para lang wala na silang iisiping nangangailangan sa kanila. I had financial issues/argument with my mom the last time I saw her, and I don’t want that to happen again that’s why am not pushing the money issue too much, kahit na I should, kasi responsibility pa rin naman nila ako eh. Pero hindi na. Coz ayoko na, I just shut my mouth, like I always do. Pero this time, well-being ko na at satke and she think am asking for money.
When I told maila about this, I have to admit I was a bit shocked by her reactions(maybe i was expecting for sympathy). She kept a straight face and allowed me to finish before she confer her side. Then I heard the most awful truth…
“things are not gonna be better chellix, but you need all of these. You need these hurt and anger. You have to take your mind away from yourself and focus on others”
Those aren’t exactly what I wanted to hear thank you very much. But I realized, she’s right. Things will definitely be far from getting better, as a matter of fact, I have to prepare myself for the worse that’ll come. How am I suppose to get to the next level if I cant stop crying now. But that was too easy to say, hard as hell to do. My mind was numb again. part of me wants to fix things but greater part of me is asking how? I don’t even know where to start, diba dapat I should be thinking about myself naman. How come she’s telling me to take my mind out of myself. Ang labo!!
Listening to her gave me lucid view of what’s she’s trying to tell me. Mahirap for sure. Pero lalong mahirap in the future.
Of course my life was not drastically changed overnight. Coveting death will always be an option. May not be now, may be tomorrow, the next day or the next week. But tonight, maila gave me a reason to smile, gave me a reason to long for tomorrow. see the sun rise.
Am not saying am better. Maybe my mind was just opened into greater perspective. I still need to seek the inner healing though before I come out of the shell. It surely has been one heck of a deep wound inside.